False Love Versus True Love

Years ago, theologian William Vanstone, in his book, Love’s Endeavour, Love’s Expense, distinguished false love and true love. I think it is a helpful discussion in light of our coming sermon where we deal with issues of motivation in our Christian walks.

Vanstone says that in false love the aim is to use the other person to fulfill your happiness. This kind of love is conditional. You give it only as long as the object of your love is affirming you and meeting your needs. It is also non-vulnerable: That is, you hold back so that you can cut your losses if necessary.

But in true love, you goal is to spend yourself and use yourself for the happiness of the other, because your greatest joy is that person’s joy. Hence your affection is unconditional: You give it regardless of whether your loved one is meeting your needs. And, conversely, it is extremely vulnerable: You spend everything, hold nothing back, give it all away.

Here’s the kicker. Our real problem is that nobody is actually fully capable of giving true, unadulterated love. We want it desperately, but we can’t give it. All of our love is in some ways polluted or even fake.

How can this be? Because we need to be loved like we need air and water. We can’t live without love. This means that there’s a certain mercenary quality to our relationships. We look for people whose love would really affirm us. We invest our love only where we know we’ll get a return on our investment. And when we do that, our love is conditional and non-vulnerable; because, again, we do not love the person simply for himself/herself; we love the person partly for the love we’re getting.

Tim Keller, whose book, King’s Cross (p. 98-99), first made me aware me of Vanstone’s discussion, argues that in the end, what we all need is someone to love us who doesn’t need us at all. If we received that kind of love, it would so fill us up, that maybe we could start to give love like that too.

Who can give love with no need? Only one, Jesus.

When we come to understand that in a more deep and intimate way, it just may transform our motives. And motives matter (just observe Jesus’ conversations with the Pharisees), even in our expressions of love.