Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make
Great Post from Pastor Jeff Strong that I hope every parent in our church reads:
It might be difficult for some parents to read through, but here’s a top ten list that I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Over the next several days I’ll be expanding on each of these in succession, but for now, here is my top ten mistakes Christian parents of teens make:
10. Not spending time with your teen.
A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time.
Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.
9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.
The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines.
Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).
8. Spoiling your teen.
We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didn’t have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self-important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are well-intentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesn’t need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (that’s one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!).
There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early:
a. Access to too much money.
b. Access to too many opportunities.
Parents need to recognize they’re doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grandkids.
7. Permissive parenting.
“Whatever” — It’s not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, “What can you do?” and let their teens “figure things out for themselves.” I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents don’t know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents don’t have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they don’t know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to, because their own self-esteem is too tied up in their child’s perception of them, and they couldn’t handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe it’s because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention.
Whatever the reason, permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian worldview. I certainly do not advocate authoritarian parenting styles, but if we practice a permission parenting style we’re abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).
6. Trying to be your teen’s best friend.
Your teen doesn’t need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through their teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents we’re called to bring God’s flourishing rule into our family’s life. That can’t happen if we’re busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teen’s friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives.
Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendship—but there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldn’t be your teen’s friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parents—so be the parent your teen needs you to be.
5. Holding low expectations for your teen.
Johann Goethe once wrote, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat as man as he can and should be, and he become as he can and should be.” All of us rise to the unconcious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, it’s especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still “a kid.” They are emerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like “kids” will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter.
For an example of how the this difference in perspective plays out, I’ve written an article entitled “The Future of an Illusion” which is available as a free download from www.meredisciple.com (in the Free Downloads section). It specifically looks at my commitment to be involved in “emerging church ministry” as opposed to “youth ministry,” and it you may find some principles within it helpful.
4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement.
This one is one of my personal pet peeves (but not just because this is my professional gig). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing faith, and yet don’t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church.
I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. I’m not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, don’t expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I can’t think of one out of my own experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen’s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, or any other extra-curricular commitments.
Don’t be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc. In general, what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing faith, don’t expect that to happen if you’re ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half-hearted.
3. Outsourcing your teen’s spiritual formation.
While youth group and church is very important, another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming them can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think they’ve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way.
As a parent–and especially if you are a Christian yourself–YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isn’t “if you want to be” either–that’s the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what follow Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms.
Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: it’s doesn’t say, “Hand them off to the youth pastor and bring them to church on Sunday.”)
2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen.
It’s sad that I have to write this one at all, but I’m convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and “like” to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one.
Do you intentially set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have “date nights” where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of?
Your teen won’t ask you for it, so don’t wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray everyday for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teen’s life that He uses to affirm them.
1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not
cultivating within yourself.
When I talk to Christian parents, it’s obvious that they want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life-giving faith. What isn’t so clear, however, is whether that parent has one themselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the “right answers” as a parent, if you’re own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stilted, your teen will unconciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teach (explicitely and implicitely) what discipleship to Jesus looks like “in the flesh.”
What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of “do as I say, not as I do”?
While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not garauntee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus “from a distance” is an enormous mistake.
You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.
It might be difficult for some parents to read through, but here’s a top ten list that I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Over the next several days I’ll be expanding on each of these in succession, but for now, here is my top ten mistakes Christian parents of teens make:
10. Not spending time with your teen.
A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time.
Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.
9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.
The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines.
Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).
8. Spoiling your teen.
We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didn’t have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self-important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are well-intentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesn’t need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (that’s one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!).
There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early:
a. Access to too much money.
b. Access to too many opportunities.
Parents need to recognize they’re doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grandkids.
7. Permissive parenting.
“Whatever” — It’s not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, “What can you do?” and let their teens “figure things out for themselves.” I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents don’t know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents don’t have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they don’t know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to, because their own self-esteem is too tied up in their child’s perception of them, and they couldn’t handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe it’s because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention.
Whatever the reason, permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian worldview. I certainly do not advocate authoritarian parenting styles, but if we practice a permission parenting style we’re abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).
6. Trying to be your teen’s best friend.
Your teen doesn’t need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through their teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents we’re called to bring God’s flourishing rule into our family’s life. That can’t happen if we’re busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teen’s friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives.
Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendship—but there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldn’t be your teen’s friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parents—so be the parent your teen needs you to be.
5. Holding low expectations for your teen.
Johann Goethe once wrote, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat as man as he can and should be, and he become as he can and should be.” All of us rise to the unconcious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, it’s especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still “a kid.” They are emerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like “kids” will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter.
For an example of how the this difference in perspective plays out, I’ve written an article entitled “The Future of an Illusion” which is available as a free download from www.meredisciple.com (in the Free Downloads section). It specifically looks at my commitment to be involved in “emerging church ministry” as opposed to “youth ministry,” and it you may find some principles within it helpful.
4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement.
This one is one of my personal pet peeves (but not just because this is my professional gig). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing faith, and yet don’t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church.
I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. I’m not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, don’t expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I can’t think of one out of my own experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen’s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, or any other extra-curricular commitments.
Don’t be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc. In general, what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing faith, don’t expect that to happen if you’re ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half-hearted.
3. Outsourcing your teen’s spiritual formation.
While youth group and church is very important, another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming them can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think they’ve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way.
As a parent–and especially if you are a Christian yourself–YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isn’t “if you want to be” either–that’s the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what follow Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms.
Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: it’s doesn’t say, “Hand them off to the youth pastor and bring them to church on Sunday.”)
2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen.
It’s sad that I have to write this one at all, but I’m convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and “like” to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one.
Do you intentially set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have “date nights” where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of?
Your teen won’t ask you for it, so don’t wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray everyday for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teen’s life that He uses to affirm them.
1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not
cultivating within yourself.
When I talk to Christian parents, it’s obvious that they want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life-giving faith. What isn’t so clear, however, is whether that parent has one themselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the “right answers” as a parent, if you’re own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stilted, your teen will unconciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teach (explicitely and implicitely) what discipleship to Jesus looks like “in the flesh.”
What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of “do as I say, not as I do”?
While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not garauntee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus “from a distance” is an enormous mistake.
You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
So You Want to Date My Daughter?
This is a challenging blog by Pastor Jared Wilson that every dad should read and take to heart:
1. You must love Jesus. I don't care if you're a "good Christian boy." I was one of those too. So I know the tricks. I'm going to ask you specific, heart-testing questions about your spiritual affections, your daily devotional life, your idols, your disciplines, and the like. I'll cut you a little bit of slack because you're young and hormonal and your pre-frontal lobe isn't fully developed yet, but I'll be watching you like a hawk. I know you. I was you. You will think you can fool me, and you likely have fooled many other dads who didn't pay much attention to their daughters' suitors, but I will be on you like Bourne on that guy whose neck he broke. Which guy was that? Every guy. So love Jesus more than my daughter or go home.
2. You will install X3Watch or Covenant Eyes on your computer and mobile devices and have your regular reports sent to me.
3. I will talk to your dad and tell him I will hold him responsible if you don't treat my daughter like a lady. If he thinks I'm a crazy person, you fail the test and won't get to date her. If he understands what I'm saying, that bodes well for you.
4. You will pay for everything. Oh, sure, every now and then my daughter can buy you a Coke or something and a gift on your birthday and at Christmas. But you pay for meals, movies, outings, whatever else. Don't have a job? I'm sorry, why I am talking to you again?
5. You will accept my Facebook friend request.
6. If it looks like you need a belt to hold your pants up, I will assume you don't have a job. See #4.
7. Young people dating are putting their best face forward, so if you appear impatient, ill-tempered, or ill-mannered, I know you will gradually become more so over time. I will have no jerks dating my daughters.
8. If I am not your pastor, I will talk to the man who is. If your pastor is a woman, why I am talking to you, again?
9. You don't love my daughter. You have no idea what love is. You like her and you might love her someday. That's an okay start with me, so put the seatbelt on the mushy gushy stuff. Don't profess your undying love, quote stupid love song lyrics to her, tell her you'd die for her, or feed her any other boneheaded lines that are way out of your depth as a horny little idiot. A lady's heart is a fragile thing. If you play with hers, I will show you yours.
10. If you ever find yourself alone with my daughter, don't panic. Just correct the situation immediately. If I ever catch you trying to get alone with my daughter, that would be the time to panic.
11. It may sound like I'm joking in threatening you harm, and while I might not physically hurt you if you offend my daughter or violate her honor, when I am addressing the issue with you, you will not be laughing.
12. You may think all this sounds very legalistic. That's fine. You can be one of the many antinomians not dating my daughter.
1. You must love Jesus. I don't care if you're a "good Christian boy." I was one of those too. So I know the tricks. I'm going to ask you specific, heart-testing questions about your spiritual affections, your daily devotional life, your idols, your disciplines, and the like. I'll cut you a little bit of slack because you're young and hormonal and your pre-frontal lobe isn't fully developed yet, but I'll be watching you like a hawk. I know you. I was you. You will think you can fool me, and you likely have fooled many other dads who didn't pay much attention to their daughters' suitors, but I will be on you like Bourne on that guy whose neck he broke. Which guy was that? Every guy. So love Jesus more than my daughter or go home.
2. You will install X3Watch or Covenant Eyes on your computer and mobile devices and have your regular reports sent to me.
3. I will talk to your dad and tell him I will hold him responsible if you don't treat my daughter like a lady. If he thinks I'm a crazy person, you fail the test and won't get to date her. If he understands what I'm saying, that bodes well for you.
4. You will pay for everything. Oh, sure, every now and then my daughter can buy you a Coke or something and a gift on your birthday and at Christmas. But you pay for meals, movies, outings, whatever else. Don't have a job? I'm sorry, why I am talking to you again?
5. You will accept my Facebook friend request.
6. If it looks like you need a belt to hold your pants up, I will assume you don't have a job. See #4.
7. Young people dating are putting their best face forward, so if you appear impatient, ill-tempered, or ill-mannered, I know you will gradually become more so over time. I will have no jerks dating my daughters.
8. If I am not your pastor, I will talk to the man who is. If your pastor is a woman, why I am talking to you, again?
9. You don't love my daughter. You have no idea what love is. You like her and you might love her someday. That's an okay start with me, so put the seatbelt on the mushy gushy stuff. Don't profess your undying love, quote stupid love song lyrics to her, tell her you'd die for her, or feed her any other boneheaded lines that are way out of your depth as a horny little idiot. A lady's heart is a fragile thing. If you play with hers, I will show you yours.
10. If you ever find yourself alone with my daughter, don't panic. Just correct the situation immediately. If I ever catch you trying to get alone with my daughter, that would be the time to panic.
11. It may sound like I'm joking in threatening you harm, and while I might not physically hurt you if you offend my daughter or violate her honor, when I am addressing the issue with you, you will not be laughing.
12. You may think all this sounds very legalistic. That's fine. You can be one of the many antinomians not dating my daughter.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A Timely Encouragement to Christian Fathers
To all the Christian dads out there who feel guilty today for blowing it and failing your children, Christ's death covers you fully (Tullian Tchividjian).
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Why Are Our Youth Leaving the Church When They Graduate?
Mark this down: If you don’t see nurturing your children in the gospel of Jesus Christ as your highest priority as parents (and to have "highest priorities" is to have "posteriorities" as well, which are things at the bottom of the list of priority), let me just tell you what very well may happen. You may know the Lord, and you may be committed to his church, but the culture will swallow alive your children.
Let me share some statistics: According to the SBC’s Family Life Council Study (2002), when churched youth leave home, 88% leave the church. In a 2007 LifeWay Research study, 70% of youth who leave home leave the church. According to the Assemblies of God study, 66% leave. And most optimistically (and the numbers aren't actually optimistic), a 2006 Barna study cites 61% of churched youth who leave the church when they leave home.
Let me give you my take on one of the primary reasons why this is so. Those familiar with Dorothy Sayer’s Lost Tools of Learning may recall how she explains the classical educational model of grammar/logic/rhetoric.
In our youngest years we’re sponges for grammar—not just of language but of everything: colors, names for things and proper names for people. This is the grammar they’ll use throughout life.
Then there’s the stage of logic, when they learn to argue, question and explore connections between various subjects (commonly called being a teenager).
Finally they reach the stage of rhetoric as they begin to communicate their convictions in their own words. Mike Horton asserts that those who’ve never learned the grammar tend to be always on the outside looking in. Those who’ve never learned to think clearly and to relate their knowledge in a coherent pattern (logic) often find that they simply have to take the "so-called" experts’ word for things. And those who haven’t learned to express themselves well (rhetoric) often find that they are captives to persuasive powers that may not share the core beliefs that are essential to their identity.
Horton argues (The Gospel Commission, 146-50) that growth in Christian discipleship can be compared to this model of learning. First, children learn the grammar of the gospel at home, but also through public worship.
In fact, after reading Horton, I came across this text in Exodus that supports what he is arguing. Listen to how Israel’s children learned the grammar of God's great act of redemption: Ex 12:25 And when you come to the land that the LORD will give you…you shall keep this service (Passover). 26 And when your children say to you, “What do you mean by this service? 27 you shall say, It is the sacrifice of the LORD’s Passover, for he passed over the houses of the people of Israel in Egypt, when he struck the Egyptians but spared our houses.
So in this text, the children observe their parents and other adults worshiping, and it spurs questions: "What do you mean by this service?" (v. 26).
Think about this. Children will learn the grammar of the gospel only by watching and listening adults sing, read Scripture, pray, and picking it up from sermons, baptisms, and celebrations of the Lord's Supper. This means that they have to actually be around older Christians instead of spending all of their time with children their own age.
Could it be that "children's church" (which is a late 20th century fad) and our youth's Exodus "from" church when they leave home, is related. I strongly think so! Children need the grammar or when they reach the logic stage, they don't have any grounding or foundation from which to appeal when the culture/world makes its appeal for their souls.
Consider again the words of Exodus 12. This is God's prescribed method of teaching the children. They observe the covenant people worship and it teaches them. There's no better way, even if children's church is more entertaining (and easier for the parents).
Let me share some statistics: According to the SBC’s Family Life Council Study (2002), when churched youth leave home, 88% leave the church. In a 2007 LifeWay Research study, 70% of youth who leave home leave the church. According to the Assemblies of God study, 66% leave. And most optimistically (and the numbers aren't actually optimistic), a 2006 Barna study cites 61% of churched youth who leave the church when they leave home.
Let me give you my take on one of the primary reasons why this is so. Those familiar with Dorothy Sayer’s Lost Tools of Learning may recall how she explains the classical educational model of grammar/logic/rhetoric.
In our youngest years we’re sponges for grammar—not just of language but of everything: colors, names for things and proper names for people. This is the grammar they’ll use throughout life.
Then there’s the stage of logic, when they learn to argue, question and explore connections between various subjects (commonly called being a teenager).
Finally they reach the stage of rhetoric as they begin to communicate their convictions in their own words. Mike Horton asserts that those who’ve never learned the grammar tend to be always on the outside looking in. Those who’ve never learned to think clearly and to relate their knowledge in a coherent pattern (logic) often find that they simply have to take the "so-called" experts’ word for things. And those who haven’t learned to express themselves well (rhetoric) often find that they are captives to persuasive powers that may not share the core beliefs that are essential to their identity.
Horton argues (The Gospel Commission, 146-50) that growth in Christian discipleship can be compared to this model of learning. First, children learn the grammar of the gospel at home, but also through public worship.
In fact, after reading Horton, I came across this text in Exodus that supports what he is arguing. Listen to how Israel’s children learned the grammar of God's great act of redemption: Ex 12:25 And when you come to the land that the LORD will give you…you shall keep this service (Passover). 26 And when your children say to you, “What do you mean by this service? 27 you shall say, It is the sacrifice of the LORD’s Passover, for he passed over the houses of the people of Israel in Egypt, when he struck the Egyptians but spared our houses.
So in this text, the children observe their parents and other adults worshiping, and it spurs questions: "What do you mean by this service?" (v. 26).
Think about this. Children will learn the grammar of the gospel only by watching and listening adults sing, read Scripture, pray, and picking it up from sermons, baptisms, and celebrations of the Lord's Supper. This means that they have to actually be around older Christians instead of spending all of their time with children their own age.
Could it be that "children's church" (which is a late 20th century fad) and our youth's Exodus "from" church when they leave home, is related. I strongly think so! Children need the grammar or when they reach the logic stage, they don't have any grounding or foundation from which to appeal when the culture/world makes its appeal for their souls.
Consider again the words of Exodus 12. This is God's prescribed method of teaching the children. They observe the covenant people worship and it teaches them. There's no better way, even if children's church is more entertaining (and easier for the parents).
Monday, June 13, 2011
Disciplining Children and the Gospel
The good news teaches us that the record of the Wise Son (Jesus) has been given to believing children--and that doesn't change during times of discipline. Although some children compound their sin during discipline by being stubbornly angry or sullen, they can be reassured that Jesus suffered through his time of punishment perfectly, without sinning and that is their record if they truly believe. Times of correction are to be times of gospel witness, reminding children that Jesus knows what it is to be punished and that he submitted to it even though he didn't deserve it (Fitzpatrick and Thompson, Give Them Grace, 102).
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Parents, "Morality Without the Gospel Is Not Our Goal"!
Every way we try to make our kids good that isn't rooted in the good news of the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ is damnable, crushing, despair-breeding, Pharisee-producing law. We won't get the results we want from the law. We'll get either shallow self-righteousness or blazing rebellion or both (frequently from the same kid on the same day!). We'll get moralistic kids who are cold and hycrocritical and who look down on others...or you'll get teens who are rebellious and self-indulgent and who can't wait to get out of the house. We have to remember that in the life of our unregenerate children, the law is given for one reason only: to crush their self-confidence and drive them to Christ (Fitzpatrick, Thompson, Give Them Grace, 36).
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A Must Read Book on Parenting!
I'm really excited about the new book on parenting by Elyse Fitzpatrick. I hope every parent and grandparent in our church will purchase and read this book. The name of the book is: Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus (by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick).
I have not read the book yet but it is getting very high reviews. Please join me in reading this book. I hear that it is one of those books on parenting that will end up being a classic. To encourage you to get this book, I do have some favorite quotes by Elyse that I have collected that I think will wet the appetite:
Every single time you succumb to temptation, you can thank Jesus for saying, “No, it is written…”. His victory is your record."
Whose righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees? Yours does—if you’re in Christ."
His baptism matters because by it you’re granted the “beloved Son in whom I am well pleased” benediction over yours."
Christian modesty is simply a refusal to show off out of love for God and one’s neighbor.
I have not read the book yet but it is getting very high reviews. Please join me in reading this book. I hear that it is one of those books on parenting that will end up being a classic. To encourage you to get this book, I do have some favorite quotes by Elyse that I have collected that I think will wet the appetite:
Every single time you succumb to temptation, you can thank Jesus for saying, “No, it is written…”. His victory is your record."
Whose righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees? Yours does—if you’re in Christ."
His baptism matters because by it you’re granted the “beloved Son in whom I am well pleased” benediction over yours."
Christian modesty is simply a refusal to show off out of love for God and one’s neighbor.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Basic Principles for Raising Christian Disciples
I came across this article from Barbara Porter who is an associate children’s director at a healthy church in Jackson, MS. She gives thirteen principles for raising Christian disciples that I think are well worth our time to consider.
1. Make sure that you are guarding, nourishing, and focusing on your own spiritual condition. Are you putting Christ first? Do you make time to worship, fellowship with other Christians, read the Word of God, and pray?
2. The example that you set as parents is crucial to rearing Christian disciples. Do you realize the importance of living out your Christian faith every day in front of your children? Do they see that Christ is first in your life and that you seek to glorify Him in everything that you do?
3. Demonstrate to your children that your relationship with your spouse is the most important human relationship that you have. Prove this by showing respect for your spouse and displaying sacrificial love and physical affection for him/her.
4. Show your child and tell your child that you love them…every day! Work diligently at building a relationship with them. Take time from their earliest days to communicate with them about deep and important things.
5. Read the Word of God with your child and pray with and for your child - every day.
6. Give your child responsibilities. Do whatever it takes to create within him/her a godly work ethic. Do not do for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves. Those who hate work are among the most unhappy and unfulfilled people in this world. Adam and Even had responsibilities to fulfill in the Garden of Eden before sin entered the picture. Work is truly a great gift from the Lord!
7. Do not bail your children out of the consequences that arise because of their own actions/choices. It is essential for them to learn from their earliest days that sin has consequences. You will not always be there to "enable" or "rescue" them.
8. Teach by example that Christ expects us to be presenting our bodies to Him as "living sacrifices." The world teaches that it is all about us, breeding those who love themselves first and best. Give them opportunities from their earliest years to serve others, those inside and outside of the church. Take them on a short-term mission trip so that they can see the extent of their own blessings and the extent of others' deprivation.
9. Teach them respect for others. Show them by example that it is the soul of another person that they should value and not that person's outer "shell." Part of showing respect for others involves (on their part) modest dress, inclusion, encouragement, forgiveness, praise, and setting a godly example.
10. Impress upon your children the brevity of this earthly life. God compared it to a vapor….Analyze your desire to accumulate THINGS. We must demonstrate to our children by our actions and priorities that material things will never be enough and will never satisfy. One day we will all give an account of our lives to our Creator. "Only one life…will soon be past…Only what is done for Christ will last." Help your children to understand that this earth is not our home. Therefore, we should not treat it as such.
11. Demand and command respect from your children. If they do not respect you whom they can see, how will they ever be able to respect God whom they cannot see? Do you live in such a way that you are worthy of their respect? Do you say one thing and do another? Even a young child can spot a hypocrite!
12. Teach your children that pleasing God is their ultimate goal. To do this means sometimes being alienated from the crowd. Pray with your child for one friend who is godly and true. God will provide this friend!!
13. Make sure your discipline is consistent and abounding in mercy. It is in the home where a child should experience his/her first understanding of the absolute beauty of the word mercy.
1. Make sure that you are guarding, nourishing, and focusing on your own spiritual condition. Are you putting Christ first? Do you make time to worship, fellowship with other Christians, read the Word of God, and pray?
2. The example that you set as parents is crucial to rearing Christian disciples. Do you realize the importance of living out your Christian faith every day in front of your children? Do they see that Christ is first in your life and that you seek to glorify Him in everything that you do?
3. Demonstrate to your children that your relationship with your spouse is the most important human relationship that you have. Prove this by showing respect for your spouse and displaying sacrificial love and physical affection for him/her.
4. Show your child and tell your child that you love them…every day! Work diligently at building a relationship with them. Take time from their earliest days to communicate with them about deep and important things.
5. Read the Word of God with your child and pray with and for your child - every day.
6. Give your child responsibilities. Do whatever it takes to create within him/her a godly work ethic. Do not do for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves. Those who hate work are among the most unhappy and unfulfilled people in this world. Adam and Even had responsibilities to fulfill in the Garden of Eden before sin entered the picture. Work is truly a great gift from the Lord!
7. Do not bail your children out of the consequences that arise because of their own actions/choices. It is essential for them to learn from their earliest days that sin has consequences. You will not always be there to "enable" or "rescue" them.
8. Teach by example that Christ expects us to be presenting our bodies to Him as "living sacrifices." The world teaches that it is all about us, breeding those who love themselves first and best. Give them opportunities from their earliest years to serve others, those inside and outside of the church. Take them on a short-term mission trip so that they can see the extent of their own blessings and the extent of others' deprivation.
9. Teach them respect for others. Show them by example that it is the soul of another person that they should value and not that person's outer "shell." Part of showing respect for others involves (on their part) modest dress, inclusion, encouragement, forgiveness, praise, and setting a godly example.
10. Impress upon your children the brevity of this earthly life. God compared it to a vapor….Analyze your desire to accumulate THINGS. We must demonstrate to our children by our actions and priorities that material things will never be enough and will never satisfy. One day we will all give an account of our lives to our Creator. "Only one life…will soon be past…Only what is done for Christ will last." Help your children to understand that this earth is not our home. Therefore, we should not treat it as such.
11. Demand and command respect from your children. If they do not respect you whom they can see, how will they ever be able to respect God whom they cannot see? Do you live in such a way that you are worthy of their respect? Do you say one thing and do another? Even a young child can spot a hypocrite!
12. Teach your children that pleasing God is their ultimate goal. To do this means sometimes being alienated from the crowd. Pray with your child for one friend who is godly and true. God will provide this friend!!
13. Make sure your discipline is consistent and abounding in mercy. It is in the home where a child should experience his/her first understanding of the absolute beauty of the word mercy.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Dads: From Commander to Coach to Counselor to Consultant
Raising boys in a culture of increasing feminization is quite the challenge. Our goal for each of our boys should be godly, masculine manhood. Everything I do as a parent should have that as its end goal.
For instance, I share a love for sports with my boys--but collegiate or professional sports is not my ultimate goal for them: godly, masculine manhood is. Hence, I should even use sports as a vehicle for that ultimate goal.
Earlier this week I posted some thoughts on raising daughters of grace. Today I'd like to consider our sons.
I came across this helpful grid from Scot Thomas, president of Acts 29 who has two boys who have become young men now at the ages of 22 and 18. Thomas journeyed through four basic styles of parenting depending on the situation, experience, and need of each son:
1. Commander For younger sons with minimal experience, a father must employ a more structured approach while still urging responsibility and ownership toward the boy. In this phase, the father lovingly sets rules and a biblical foundation for life. The father guides the boy to gain basic competence and understanding and to take responsibility for his own actions. The father monitors and evaluates the son’s progress closely, and holds the son accountable for his actions. He employs predictable and consistent discipline when necessary to reinforce the attainment of foundational principles. Even though it is a structured phase, he provides an abundance of love, adoration and encouragement to the son.
2. Coach When a son matures and increases in his ability to understand and fulfill goals, the father can provide a great deal of relational support while helping the son make wise decisions. My older son didn’t want to do his homework one evening. After exhausting all reasonable means, I told him he didn’t have to do his homework. He smiled widely. “But,” I said, “If you don’t do your homework, you cannot play on the basketball team. It’s your choice.” He ran to his room and quickly completed his homework. In this phase, a father provides feedback and encouragement to help him make his own principle-based decisions.
3. Counselor When the son’s maturity and abilities are reasonably well developed but still need motivation, this enabling phase is appropriate. The father should provide considerable support but not a great deal of specific direction. The father monitors responsibilities, encourages the son to make wise decisions, helps solve problems, and provides encouragement and support. His role is to counsel rather than control. When my son turned 17, I told him that I would let him “intern” as an 18-year-old. I explained that I would let him make his own decisions as an adult but that I held the right to veto his decisions any time I felt it would be for his own good. In my observation, he made only good decisions during that year.
4. Consultant When a son displays maturity in his competence and development, a father implements a phase that empowers the son. The father makes himself available to review his son’s goals and plans for life. He affirms decisions made by him, provides feedback for challenges, and continues to empower him to make his own decisions. If wrong actions are taken during this phase, the father examines why with the son: is it a skill or an experience issue (hands)? A knowledge issue (head)? A motivational or a gospel character issue (heart)?
Dads (and moms), when our sons leave the house, our goal should be to revel in the grace of God and rejoice with our sons as they set out to prepare themselves toward working and keeping what God has called them to do and be for his glory (Gen 2:15).
Eventually, by God's grace, we will have the privilege to watch them raise our grandchildren with the same principles we taught them as we journeyed through the four phases together.
For instance, I share a love for sports with my boys--but collegiate or professional sports is not my ultimate goal for them: godly, masculine manhood is. Hence, I should even use sports as a vehicle for that ultimate goal.
Earlier this week I posted some thoughts on raising daughters of grace. Today I'd like to consider our sons.
I came across this helpful grid from Scot Thomas, president of Acts 29 who has two boys who have become young men now at the ages of 22 and 18. Thomas journeyed through four basic styles of parenting depending on the situation, experience, and need of each son:
1. Commander For younger sons with minimal experience, a father must employ a more structured approach while still urging responsibility and ownership toward the boy. In this phase, the father lovingly sets rules and a biblical foundation for life. The father guides the boy to gain basic competence and understanding and to take responsibility for his own actions. The father monitors and evaluates the son’s progress closely, and holds the son accountable for his actions. He employs predictable and consistent discipline when necessary to reinforce the attainment of foundational principles. Even though it is a structured phase, he provides an abundance of love, adoration and encouragement to the son.
2. Coach When a son matures and increases in his ability to understand and fulfill goals, the father can provide a great deal of relational support while helping the son make wise decisions. My older son didn’t want to do his homework one evening. After exhausting all reasonable means, I told him he didn’t have to do his homework. He smiled widely. “But,” I said, “If you don’t do your homework, you cannot play on the basketball team. It’s your choice.” He ran to his room and quickly completed his homework. In this phase, a father provides feedback and encouragement to help him make his own principle-based decisions.
3. Counselor When the son’s maturity and abilities are reasonably well developed but still need motivation, this enabling phase is appropriate. The father should provide considerable support but not a great deal of specific direction. The father monitors responsibilities, encourages the son to make wise decisions, helps solve problems, and provides encouragement and support. His role is to counsel rather than control. When my son turned 17, I told him that I would let him “intern” as an 18-year-old. I explained that I would let him make his own decisions as an adult but that I held the right to veto his decisions any time I felt it would be for his own good. In my observation, he made only good decisions during that year.
4. Consultant When a son displays maturity in his competence and development, a father implements a phase that empowers the son. The father makes himself available to review his son’s goals and plans for life. He affirms decisions made by him, provides feedback for challenges, and continues to empower him to make his own decisions. If wrong actions are taken during this phase, the father examines why with the son: is it a skill or an experience issue (hands)? A knowledge issue (head)? A motivational or a gospel character issue (heart)?
Dads (and moms), when our sons leave the house, our goal should be to revel in the grace of God and rejoice with our sons as they set out to prepare themselves toward working and keeping what God has called them to do and be for his glory (Gen 2:15).
Eventually, by God's grace, we will have the privilege to watch them raise our grandchildren with the same principles we taught them as we journeyed through the four phases together.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
How to Grow Daughters in Grace
This week I found some wise advice on raising daughters of grace from Pastor Dave Bruskas. These words from Bruskas hit home because as one who has two daughters but who also pastors and teaches at a college, I am very aware there is a war on the souls of our children. The situation our daughters will find themselves in more times than not is a war for their identity and image.
In this regard, there are only two options. Either they will be conformed to the pattern of this world or they will be transformed by the renewing of their minds.
Parents, we play vital roles in this (especially in those 18 years we have them at home) and our constructive words can be the needed conduit of grace to them for this battle.
Here is the progression that Pastor Bruskas works through each day with each of his daughters:
1. I affirm both the godly character and good works I see in her life. These two truly make a woman beautiful to those around her with opinions that matter (I Timothy 2:10).
2. I compliment her appearance as she models modesty and self-control for all to see (I Timothy 2:9) and how her wardrobe, jewelry, hair, and make-up complement and highlight her countenance.
3. I remind her that she is righteous in Christ. Nothing is more beautiful to the Father than the righteousness of his Son, and he sees my daughter through the lens of Jesus’ righteousness rather than her ugly disobedience. This means she is beautiful to the Father.
Of course, I might add here: until our daughters are regenerated (born again), nothing they do can produce godly character. Godly character is produced through us as Christ is formed in us (Gal 4:19). This journey begins with the new birth and our repentance and faith (conversion). Until our daughters are made new and declared righteous in God's sight through Christ, that is GOAL 1 for parents.
After that, its mop up duty as we help nurture the grace that our daughters now have in Christ. And our goal: women who adorn the doctrine of God our Savior (Titus 2:10).
In this regard, there are only two options. Either they will be conformed to the pattern of this world or they will be transformed by the renewing of their minds.
Parents, we play vital roles in this (especially in those 18 years we have them at home) and our constructive words can be the needed conduit of grace to them for this battle.
Here is the progression that Pastor Bruskas works through each day with each of his daughters:
1. I affirm both the godly character and good works I see in her life. These two truly make a woman beautiful to those around her with opinions that matter (I Timothy 2:10).
2. I compliment her appearance as she models modesty and self-control for all to see (I Timothy 2:9) and how her wardrobe, jewelry, hair, and make-up complement and highlight her countenance.
3. I remind her that she is righteous in Christ. Nothing is more beautiful to the Father than the righteousness of his Son, and he sees my daughter through the lens of Jesus’ righteousness rather than her ugly disobedience. This means she is beautiful to the Father.
Of course, I might add here: until our daughters are regenerated (born again), nothing they do can produce godly character. Godly character is produced through us as Christ is formed in us (Gal 4:19). This journey begins with the new birth and our repentance and faith (conversion). Until our daughters are made new and declared righteous in God's sight through Christ, that is GOAL 1 for parents.
After that, its mop up duty as we help nurture the grace that our daughters now have in Christ. And our goal: women who adorn the doctrine of God our Savior (Titus 2:10).
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A Charge for Parents on the Lord's Day
I addressed the issue of family worship in the most recent newsletter. After completing my newsletter, I came across this quote from Pastor Tom Ascol who affirms what I wrote:
The primary responsibility for teaching your children about God is yours, dear parent. It is not the Sunday school’s, the Church’s, nor the Pastor’s. God has entrusted this important work to you. If you do not invest your time and effort to teach your children about God, be assured someone else will. The television and the theater will teach them that God, if He exists at all, is an irrelevant, indulgent being that is little more than a nice kindly old man. If you do not teach your children truth and righteousness, be assured that there are a multitude of teachers in this world who would deceive them into thinking that “truth” and morality are relative ideas and can be shaped to fit anyone’s beliefs or standards.
Parents, again, the eighteen or so years we have our children at home is a crucial time! The home is God's primary strategy for ensuring the gospel will impact a generation we as adults won't see. Let's get busy!
The primary responsibility for teaching your children about God is yours, dear parent. It is not the Sunday school’s, the Church’s, nor the Pastor’s. God has entrusted this important work to you. If you do not invest your time and effort to teach your children about God, be assured someone else will. The television and the theater will teach them that God, if He exists at all, is an irrelevant, indulgent being that is little more than a nice kindly old man. If you do not teach your children truth and righteousness, be assured that there are a multitude of teachers in this world who would deceive them into thinking that “truth” and morality are relative ideas and can be shaped to fit anyone’s beliefs or standards.
Parents, again, the eighteen or so years we have our children at home is a crucial time! The home is God's primary strategy for ensuring the gospel will impact a generation we as adults won't see. Let's get busy!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Child Training From Proverbs--Part 2
Wisdom, which is the part of the very fabric of creation (Prov 8:22-31), is depicted as our very life (Prov 4:13); that is, wisdom provides true protection from danger or even destruction.
Therefore, what children must be taught by their parents is to trust the Lord Jesus with all their hearts who is our very wisdom from God (1 Cor 1:30). That is, to acknowledge Him in all their ways, rather than being self-reliant or following the wrong kinds of role models or influences (3:5-6).
By example and instruction, parents are to teach their children a diverse array of positive attributes. These are markers of what life in Christ, our wisdom, should look like. In other words, the Lord Jesus embodies each one of these markers and as we grown in Christ, these realities should reflect themselves in our lives. We looked at a few yesterday. Here are some other things we must teach them:
caution and prudence (14:16; 27:12)
gentleness (15:1, 4)
contentment (15:16-17; 16:8; 17:1)
integrity of character (15:27; 28:18)
humility (16:19; 18:12; 22:4)
graciousness (16:24)
forthrightness (rather than duplicity; 16:30; 17:20)
restraint (17:14, 27-28; 18:6-7; 29:20)
faithfulness in friendship (17:17)
purity (20:9; 22:11)
vigorous pursuit of what is good and right (20:29)
skillfulness in work (22:29)
patience (25:15)
Therefore, what children must be taught by their parents is to trust the Lord Jesus with all their hearts who is our very wisdom from God (1 Cor 1:30). That is, to acknowledge Him in all their ways, rather than being self-reliant or following the wrong kinds of role models or influences (3:5-6).
By example and instruction, parents are to teach their children a diverse array of positive attributes. These are markers of what life in Christ, our wisdom, should look like. In other words, the Lord Jesus embodies each one of these markers and as we grown in Christ, these realities should reflect themselves in our lives. We looked at a few yesterday. Here are some other things we must teach them:
caution and prudence (14:16; 27:12)
gentleness (15:1, 4)
contentment (15:16-17; 16:8; 17:1)
integrity of character (15:27; 28:18)
humility (16:19; 18:12; 22:4)
graciousness (16:24)
forthrightness (rather than duplicity; 16:30; 17:20)
restraint (17:14, 27-28; 18:6-7; 29:20)
faithfulness in friendship (17:17)
purity (20:9; 22:11)
vigorous pursuit of what is good and right (20:29)
skillfulness in work (22:29)
patience (25:15)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Child Training From Proverbs--Part 1
I just completed my May Newsletter where I focused on the parent's role in training Christian worshipers (our children). This got me thinking about the emphasis Proverbs places on this mandate. The teaching of Proverbs on childrearing is best summed up by the verse, Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it (22:6).
According to Proverbs, the purpose of biblical parental instruction is to breath wisdom and the fear of the Lord into our children. Wise children bring gladness and joy to parents (23:24-25; 29:3, 17) while foolish ones bring grief (10:1), shame (28:7), and, sometimes, ruin to parents (19:13).
Consequently, Parents are the crucial players in teaching their children and Proverbs gives a wide array of attributes parents are to teach. I'll look at a few today and a few tomorrow:
diligence & industriousness (Prov 6:6-11; 11:27; 12:24; 13:4; 15:19; 18:9; 19:24; 20:4, 13)
justice (11:1; 16:11; 17:23; 20:10, 23; 31:8-9)
kindness (11:17)
generosity (11:24:19:6)
self-control, particularly of speech (12:18; 13:3; 21:23) and temper (14:27, 29; 15:18; 16:32)
righteousness (12:21, 28; 14:34).
truthfulness and honesty (12:22; 16:13; 24:26)
discretion in choosing friends (13:20; 18:24), particularly a spouse (18:22; 31:10-31)
According to Proverbs, the purpose of biblical parental instruction is to breath wisdom and the fear of the Lord into our children. Wise children bring gladness and joy to parents (23:24-25; 29:3, 17) while foolish ones bring grief (10:1), shame (28:7), and, sometimes, ruin to parents (19:13).
Consequently, Parents are the crucial players in teaching their children and Proverbs gives a wide array of attributes parents are to teach. I'll look at a few today and a few tomorrow:
diligence & industriousness (Prov 6:6-11; 11:27; 12:24; 13:4; 15:19; 18:9; 19:24; 20:4, 13)
justice (11:1; 16:11; 17:23; 20:10, 23; 31:8-9)
kindness (11:17)
generosity (11:24:19:6)
self-control, particularly of speech (12:18; 13:3; 21:23) and temper (14:27, 29; 15:18; 16:32)
righteousness (12:21, 28; 14:34).
truthfulness and honesty (12:22; 16:13; 24:26)
discretion in choosing friends (13:20; 18:24), particularly a spouse (18:22; 31:10-31)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Learning Family Life From the Puritans
Tomorrow, we will be discussing the Christian home. I think J.I. Packer's insights into the typical Puritan home are enlightening. It's easy to be so embedded into the 21st century West, that we assume our "normal" has always been the "normal." I think Packer shows us that our normal is a "new normal" (which in the end is probably abnormal). Here is what Packer says about Puritan home life:
The Puritans crusaded for a high view of the family, proclaiming it both as the basic unit of society, and a little church in itself, with the husband as its pastor and the wife as his assistant, subordinate, indeed, in the chain of command, but a key figure in the ongoing pastoral process, nonetheless. As head of the family, the husband must be treated with respect. It was the husband’s responsibility to channel the family into religion, to take them to church on the Lord’s day, to oversee the sanctifying of that entire day in the home, to catechize the children, to teach them in the faith, to examine the whole family after the sermon, to see how much had been retained and understood, to fill in any gaps in understanding that might remain, to lead the family in worship daily, ideally, twice a day, and to set an example of sober godliness at all times and in all matters. The Puritans accounted religion as an engagement to duty, and that the best Christians should be the best husbands, the best wives, the best children...that the doctrine of God might be adorned and not blasphemed by the way we live. And so Puritan teachers thought humane family life in which Christian love and joy would find full and free expression could not be achieved until this ordered pattern of Paul’s regular authority, structure and daily routine had been firmly established.
One of the notable things said here is that Puritan fathers examined their "whole family" after the sermon, to see how much had been retained and understood,in order "to fill in any gaps in understanding that might remain." In other words, the family worshiped together. There was no concept of a "children's church." The notion that a family would be entirely separated the most sacred hours of the week would have been off the charts for a Puritan. Maybe we could learn from them, in this regard.
The Puritans crusaded for a high view of the family, proclaiming it both as the basic unit of society, and a little church in itself, with the husband as its pastor and the wife as his assistant, subordinate, indeed, in the chain of command, but a key figure in the ongoing pastoral process, nonetheless. As head of the family, the husband must be treated with respect. It was the husband’s responsibility to channel the family into religion, to take them to church on the Lord’s day, to oversee the sanctifying of that entire day in the home, to catechize the children, to teach them in the faith, to examine the whole family after the sermon, to see how much had been retained and understood, to fill in any gaps in understanding that might remain, to lead the family in worship daily, ideally, twice a day, and to set an example of sober godliness at all times and in all matters. The Puritans accounted religion as an engagement to duty, and that the best Christians should be the best husbands, the best wives, the best children...that the doctrine of God might be adorned and not blasphemed by the way we live. And so Puritan teachers thought humane family life in which Christian love and joy would find full and free expression could not be achieved until this ordered pattern of Paul’s regular authority, structure and daily routine had been firmly established.
One of the notable things said here is that Puritan fathers examined their "whole family" after the sermon, to see how much had been retained and understood,in order "to fill in any gaps in understanding that might remain." In other words, the family worshiped together. There was no concept of a "children's church." The notion that a family would be entirely separated the most sacred hours of the week would have been off the charts for a Puritan. Maybe we could learn from them, in this regard.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Haunting Warning for Parents
Parents, because we are hard-wired for law, it is easy to drift into the default mode of a legalistic, external conformity to a psuedo-form of Christianity that is a mere parody of life in Christ. There is NO fruit in this. It leads to a lifeless, disciplined drudgery. That's why some of the most miserable people in the world are not outright pagans but professing Christians who aren't walking in grace. When this is the case, it will have a detrimental effect on our parenting because there is nothing contagious about this kind of life. If this is Christianity, children reason, who wants this?
Soren Kierkegaard writing in 1850 in his journal (and probably reflecting insights in his own home) notes the greatest danger for a child, where religion is concerned: The greatest danger is not that his father…should be a free-thinker not even his being a hypocrite. No the danger lies in his being a pious, God-fearing man and in the child being convinced thereof but that he should nevertheless notice that deep in his soul there lies hidden an unrest which consequently not even the fear of God and piety could calm. The danger is that the child in this situation is almost provoked to draw a conclusion about God, that God is not infinite love.
Soren Kierkegaard writing in 1850 in his journal (and probably reflecting insights in his own home) notes the greatest danger for a child, where religion is concerned: The greatest danger is not that his father…should be a free-thinker not even his being a hypocrite. No the danger lies in his being a pious, God-fearing man and in the child being convinced thereof but that he should nevertheless notice that deep in his soul there lies hidden an unrest which consequently not even the fear of God and piety could calm. The danger is that the child in this situation is almost provoked to draw a conclusion about God, that God is not infinite love.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Questions to Ask our Children
Rick Gamache (senior pastor of Sovereign Grace Fellowship in Minneapolis) regularly asks his 5 kids questions concerning their spiritual health and their perception of their relationship with him, their father. As we consider the crucial role of parenting this week, maybe these questions could be incorporated in your own home:
• How are your devotions?
• What is God teaching you?
• In your own words, what is the gospel?
• Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?
• Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?
• What’s daddy most passionate about?
• Do I act the same at church as I do when I’m at home?
• Are you aware of my love for you?
• Is there any way I’ve sinned against you that I’ve not repented of?
• Do you have any observations for me?
• How am I doing as a dad?
• How have Sunday’s sermons impacted you?
• Does my relationship with mom make you excited to be married?
• On top of these things, with my older kids, I’m always inquiring about their
relationship with their friends and making sure God and his gospel are the
center of those relationships. And I look for every opportunity to praise their
mother and increase their appreciation and love for her.
Of course, these are questions of a father. But these questions could easily be tailored for a mother.
Let's make "Christian" parenting our first priority!
• How are your devotions?
• What is God teaching you?
• In your own words, what is the gospel?
• Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?
• Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?
• What’s daddy most passionate about?
• Do I act the same at church as I do when I’m at home?
• Are you aware of my love for you?
• Is there any way I’ve sinned against you that I’ve not repented of?
• Do you have any observations for me?
• How am I doing as a dad?
• How have Sunday’s sermons impacted you?
• Does my relationship with mom make you excited to be married?
• On top of these things, with my older kids, I’m always inquiring about their
relationship with their friends and making sure God and his gospel are the
center of those relationships. And I look for every opportunity to praise their
mother and increase their appreciation and love for her.
Of course, these are questions of a father. But these questions could easily be tailored for a mother.
Let's make "Christian" parenting our first priority!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Christian Parenting: Modeling the Gospel
The parents’ duty, is in effect to live out the gospel to the child: that is, to assure their children that they are loved and accepted and valued for who they are, not for who they ought to be, should have been, or might become. Obedience must never be made the condition of parental love; a love so conditioned would not deserve the name. When the parent is obedient to the vocation of genuine love, the child’s obedience may become, like that of the Christian to God, a glad and loving response. Such obedience is pleasing to the Lord (N.T. Wright).
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Parenting: A High Calling!
The most fundamental task of a mother and father is to show God to the children. Children know their parents before they know God. This is a huge responsibility and should cause every parent to be desperate for God-like transformation. The children will have years of exposure to what the universe is like before they know there is a universe. They will experience the kind of authority there is in the universe and the kind of justice there is in the universe and the kind of love there is in the universe before they meet the God of authority and justice and love who created and rules of the universe. Children are absorbing from dad his strength and leadership and protection and justice and love; and they are absorbing from mother her care and nurture and warmth and intimacy and justice and love—and, of course, all these overlap.
And all this is happening before the child knows anything about God, but it is profoundly all about God. Will the child be able to recognize God for who he really is in his authority and love and justice because mom and dad have together shown the child what God is like. The chief task of parenting is to know God for who he is in his many attributes, and then to live in such a way with our children that we help them see and know this multi-faceted God. And, of course, that will involve directing them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible. --John Piper
And all this is happening before the child knows anything about God, but it is profoundly all about God. Will the child be able to recognize God for who he really is in his authority and love and justice because mom and dad have together shown the child what God is like. The chief task of parenting is to know God for who he is in his many attributes, and then to live in such a way with our children that we help them see and know this multi-faceted God. And, of course, that will involve directing them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible. --John Piper
Monday, February 7, 2011
Parents: A Sober Thought
A child is a person who is going to carry on what you have started (Abraham Lincoln).
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