Raising boys in a culture of increasing feminization is quite the challenge. Our goal for each of our boys should be godly, masculine manhood. Everything I do as a parent should have that as its end goal.
For instance, I share a love for sports with my boys--but collegiate or professional sports is not my ultimate goal for them: godly, masculine manhood is. Hence, I should even use sports as a vehicle for that ultimate goal.
Earlier this week I posted some thoughts on raising daughters of grace. Today I'd like to consider our sons.
I came across this helpful grid from Scot Thomas, president of Acts 29 who has two boys who have become young men now at the ages of 22 and 18. Thomas journeyed through four basic styles of parenting depending on the situation, experience, and need of each son:
1. Commander For younger sons with minimal experience, a father must employ a more structured approach while still urging responsibility and ownership toward the boy. In this phase, the father lovingly sets rules and a biblical foundation for life. The father guides the boy to gain basic competence and understanding and to take responsibility for his own actions. The father monitors and evaluates the son’s progress closely, and holds the son accountable for his actions. He employs predictable and consistent discipline when necessary to reinforce the attainment of foundational principles. Even though it is a structured phase, he provides an abundance of love, adoration and encouragement to the son.
2. Coach When a son matures and increases in his ability to understand and fulfill goals, the father can provide a great deal of relational support while helping the son make wise decisions. My older son didn’t want to do his homework one evening. After exhausting all reasonable means, I told him he didn’t have to do his homework. He smiled widely. “But,” I said, “If you don’t do your homework, you cannot play on the basketball team. It’s your choice.” He ran to his room and quickly completed his homework. In this phase, a father provides feedback and encouragement to help him make his own principle-based decisions.
3. Counselor When the son’s maturity and abilities are reasonably well developed but still need motivation, this enabling phase is appropriate. The father should provide considerable support but not a great deal of specific direction. The father monitors responsibilities, encourages the son to make wise decisions, helps solve problems, and provides encouragement and support. His role is to counsel rather than control. When my son turned 17, I told him that I would let him “intern” as an 18-year-old. I explained that I would let him make his own decisions as an adult but that I held the right to veto his decisions any time I felt it would be for his own good. In my observation, he made only good decisions during that year.
4. Consultant When a son displays maturity in his competence and development, a father implements a phase that empowers the son. The father makes himself available to review his son’s goals and plans for life. He affirms decisions made by him, provides feedback for challenges, and continues to empower him to make his own decisions. If wrong actions are taken during this phase, the father examines why with the son: is it a skill or an experience issue (hands)? A knowledge issue (head)? A motivational or a gospel character issue (heart)?
Dads (and moms), when our sons leave the house, our goal should be to revel in the grace of God and rejoice with our sons as they set out to prepare themselves toward working and keeping what God has called them to do and be for his glory (Gen 2:15).
Eventually, by God's grace, we will have the privilege to watch them raise our grandchildren with the same principles we taught them as we journeyed through the four phases together.
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